I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
