I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
