How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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