Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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