Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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