My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
