Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
