____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
