I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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