U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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