if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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