I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
