I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
