she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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