all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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