somebody snuck up and got me drunk
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
