She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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