he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
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