opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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