You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
