"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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