life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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