she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We have so much sex to catch up on
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
