textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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