the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
