So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
