mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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