he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We are all done wearing pants today
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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