well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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