had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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