I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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