i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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