i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
