I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize