im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
