so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
