watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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