i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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