ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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