all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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