I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
