There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
