The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
