a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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