When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
