You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
