You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
