when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
