Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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