you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
