I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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