I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
My vagina is very pro this idea
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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