So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
