I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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