At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
