false alarm. still invincible.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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