Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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