All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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