I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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