ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize