I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
