I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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